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Maximum Independence
Helping Your Teen Take Control of His Life By Sue Marquette Poremba
"I'm calling to make sure that all my son's paperwork has been completed and handed in. I believe I filled out all the forms he needed, but I wanted to make sure nothing was missing."
The son in question was a 20-year-old college student, finishing up his sophomore year and applying to spend a semester studying in England.
Parental calls to college campuses have become routine. Mothers and fathers call to find out their child's academic advisor, to ask about grades, to make routine inquiries. Some parents are bolder: They've actually scheduled their child's classes or meet with faculty to discuss their child's academic future. In all cases, the parents have either forgotten or purposely ignored that their "child" is now an adult.
Whereas parents are often willing to give their teenagers freedom in many other areas – such as holding down a job or staying home alone for a weekend or driving across the state – there is a tendency to keep a tight grip on their teenager's education. For many parents it is a habit – they spent a lifetime in touch with teachers and administrators. In other cases, the parents feel they are making such a large investment into a college education that they should be able to have a say. Or as one father of a Penn State student said, "If I didn't handle these things, they wouldn't get done."
However, parents are not doing their college-aged children a favor by keeping close contact with the faculty and staff. "It definitely leaves a negative impression," says Ling. "By college, the student should be able to find his department's office and ask a staff assistant for help. If a student can't do that much, we have to wonder if he or she can juggle all the other responsibilities of college."
"Parents need to cut the cord right after they drop their child off at the beginning of the student's freshman year of college," says Pamela Dunn, a counselor at Bellefonte Area High School in Pennsylvania. "Students need to take ownership ... it's their life and their education."
Margaret Loudon Cochran, a parent in Grand Rapids, Mich., agrees with Dunn. "As soon as a child leaves for college, they should be responsible for their education," she says. "I am ready to be a sounding board for my daughter, but I am not prepared to do things she could easily do herself."
When parents begin to scale back their involvement with their teen's schooling depends on various factors that are unique for each child. Whereas one parent suggested age 15 as a good time to step away, another set of parents may find that their 12-year-old can deftly handle any problems that arise. Or it could happen when you, the parent, hit a personal roadblock. "My own inability to deal with her math helped [develop my teen's academic independence]," says April O'Herron of Cuyohoga Falls, Ohio.
