Preteen Friendships

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

By Sue Marquette Poremba

"Did you make any new friends?"

It's a question that mothers everywhere ask of their brand-new middle-school child after those first days of school. It's an anxious question. We want our children to develop solid relationships in their adolescence, but we fear the unknown.

During the elementary school years, we knew our children's friends, who were often neighborhood kids. In elementary school, the children were too young to schedule play dates without an adult involved. We were active in their school and in all aspects of their lives.

When kids move to middle school, they often join with hundreds of children from other elementary schools, and lifetime friends are separated into different classes.

Eleanor Chase* of Bryn Mawr, Pa., says that her daughter had to make a whole new group of friends when she entered middle school. "My daughter's friends from elementary school ended up in different classes," Chase says. "She still has relationships with the kids from her elementary school there was no falling out but they aren't as strong as they were before."

When Mary Burns'* children left their Chateauguay, Quebec, Canada, neighborhood elementary school, she noticed that they gradually moved away from their old friendships. "My oldest son didn't keep any of his old friendships," Burns says. "At first I'd encourage him to call some, but he kept refusing. He said that he had nothing in common with them and didn't want to be friends with them. My daughter tried to remain friends with her old elementary school buddies. Even though she was involved in activities with some of them, once they moved into different schools, she felt like an outsider. My youngest son rues losing his neighborhood friends, but he is reluctant to call them."

In middle school, new friendships are made with children who are scattered throughout the community. After-school or evening events focus on social time between adolescents, not families. As the kids get older and more comfortable in their new school and social surroundings, there will be friendships made that never get mentioned at home.

"The family takes a backseat to friends, which is a process that used to occur as a normal development during the teenage years, when identity was forming and rebellion against the parents was par for the course," says April Masini, author of the "Ask April" advice column. "But now, it all happens much sooner ... including falling in with the 'wrong crowd.' And today, that doesn't mean that those kids are egging their teacher's home. It means drinking, drugs and yes ... sex."

While not every preteen is drinking, using drugs or having sex or doing any multitude of bad things those behaviors are becoming more common among middle-school students. Parents need to be more aware and more prepared for the behaviors their adolescents will be exposed to. Unfortunately, this comes at a time when parents are less aware of their child's friendships and acquaintances.

"I really don't know any of my children's friends," Burns says. "They were all reluctant [at the middle-school age] to invite friends from school. I think a large part is that they feel that we may not be living up to their friends' standards and a shyness to do so."

Want to see more?

• Middle School Blues: Helping Your Preteen Face the Challenges of Junior High
• When a Friend Moves Away
• Just Not "Cliquing": Helping Your Preteen Survive Their Social Life
• Talk about it!