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Pregnancy After Loss

Are You Ready to Try Again?

By Julia Rosien

In contrast, many men don't begin bonding until they've felt the first kick or heard the whoosh of the heartbeat at the doctor's office. When a miscarriage occurs before these milestones, he may not have had enough time to fall in love with the baby. "I don't think my husband actually grieved for the loss of the baby in my first miscarriage," says Peggy Vincent, who experienced an ectopic pregnancy. "He was too worried about losing me."

A spouse's needs may get pushed into the background while he tends to his partner's physical and emotional distress. Luminare-Rosen urges couples to share their feelings with each other and outsiders. "Join support groups, or get online and chat with others about their losses," she says. "Write in a journal, talk to friends or seek counseling if it becomes too much or too overwhelming."

Fear and anxiety, hopelessness and powerlessness, frustration and anger, resentment, guilt and inadequacy pull women in a multitude of directions after a loss. "Only you can assess your emotional readiness and decide when or if you're ready to risk heartache again for a shot at the ultimate prize: a healthy baby," says Ann Douglas, co-author of Trying Again (Taylor Trade Publishing, 2000).

"I lost my desire to have another baby," says Holly Brne, who experienced a miscarriage at 8 weeks during her third pregnancy. "I had two little children who needed a mom, and that took all of my time after our loss. Slowly, after about a year, thoughts of holding, nursing and loving another baby began to drift back into my mind."

Want to see more?

• Helping Hands: Groups That Navigate the Infertility Roller Coaster
• Out of Place: Ectopic Pregnancy
• A Sister's Shoulder: Helping a Friend Survive Miscarriage
• Not Forgotten: Remembering the Children
• Check out our Article Library.
• Talk about it!