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Baby Talk

How to Approach the Subject

By Kelly Burgess

Ideally, your spouse will be willing to have this important discussion, share his feelings and try to come to a meeting of the minds. However, if he reacts with anger, Saposnek says to terminate the conversation. "If he says never, and says it angrily, it's time to back off because it leads to more irrationality, and there's no point in arguing," he says. "Ironically and paradoxically, he's going to be so angry he's not going to want to get into bed with you anyway, so the point may be moot."

Later on, try bringing the subject up again when he's in a good mood. Perhaps just lightly mention that he did get angry before, but you would really like to just get an idea of his thoughts and feelings. Be supportive and non-threatening. If that doesn't work, and you're not willing to live your life without children, it's time to see a marriage and family counselor that specializes in conflict resolution.

The right counselor matters, so do your homework. The Wades went to one that specialized in crises management and the therapist belittled their problem. Eventually, they worked it out on their own; Ken agreed to the idea of children and got a vasectomy reversal. Unfortunately, other infertility issues kept them from a successful pregnancy. But because of their work to resolve the conflict in a mature, caring way, their relationship is stronger than ever. They live happily with a spoiled Dalmatian that is their "baby."

Discussing the issue of children well before getting married is ideal. "If you have this discussion before you get married, you hopefully will never find yourself in this spot," says Saposnek. But if you missed your window of opportunity, paying close attention to how you communicate your needs and desires can help you get the child you always dreamed of – or at the very least, a marriage where communication is cherished.

Want to see more?

• Baby Battles: When He Doesn't Want a Child
• Decisions, Decisions: Which Conception Path is Right for You?
• Money, Marriage and Medicine: Some Things to Think About Before You Conceive
• Talk about it!