A Partner in Birth

The Single Mother's Guide to Choosing a Birthing Coach

By Kelly Burgess

There are a lot of decisions to make if you're a single woman expecting a child, but probably the first really important one is finding a birth coach. While the father, if he's willing and available, is an obvious choice, he may not be the best choice. And, if he's not willing or available, it's important to find someone who can fill what is going to be a key role in your and your baby's lives.

Some women may feel most comfortable with their mother or best friend. Others may prefer a trained professional, such as a birth doula, to be at their side and be their liaison with the medical staff. What's most important is that it be someone who will focus only on you, because this is a time that's all about you.

 

Penny Simkin is a Seattle-based doula, childbirth educator and the author of several books on pregnancy and childbirth, including The Birth Partner(Harvard Common Press, 2001). She says a laboring woman has to be totally and completely selfish and should consider only one factor when choosing a birth coach: What can they do for me?

"A single mother often is considering a particular person like her sister or mother or boyfriend, because they want to be there," says Simkin. "But what she should be asking herself is what this person can do for her. In other words, what qualities does that person possess? Does she have a sense of calm or a good knowledge of the process? If she realizes she's allowing that person to be her birth coach because that person wants it rather than for herself, she needs to reevaluate her decisions. This is the time to be selfish."

Although a big part of her life is spent as a paid birth partner, Simkin does recommend that even if a woman hires a doula, the mother have someone she's close to there during the birth as well.

"The doula is only a part of the woman's life for a short time," says Simkin. "A woman on her own benefits from having someone there who she has a long-term relationship with. This is not just for the mother either. There's something about being present at the birth of a baby that just makes that baby special, and it's great for a child to have someone in his or her life who has those long-standing feelings."

Want to see more?

• Young, Pregnant and Entering Single Motherhood
• Choosing Single Motherhood
• Alone: Facing an Unexpected Pregnancy Without a Partner
• Talk about it!