Selective Spans

Helping Your Preschooler Pay Attention

By Kelly Burgess

Preschoolers can be inattentive. They may fidget, squirm and giggle during reading time. When asked to pick up their toys, they often put exactly one item in the toy box before deciding it's more fun to play than pick up. They may have to be told something a hundred times before it sinks in – especially if it's something they don't want to hear. It can be frustrating to parents, but, according to Thomas Phelan, Ph.D., it's also completely normal.

Phelan has been a clinical psychologist for more than 25 years, specializing in children and families, and is the author of numerous books and videos about parenting. His most recent book is I Never Get ANYTHING: How to Keep Your Kids from Running Your Life (ParentMagic, 2001). He says the problem with the attention span of most preschoolers is not the child's – it's the parents'.

"A parent often has an unrealistic expectation of what a child can do at age 3 or 4, especially if it's a first child or if the child is very bright and verbal," says Phelan. "A 'normal' attention span for a 4-year-old is about four minutes if they're involved in free play."

Phelan says the biggest problem with parents is that they tend to have what he calls the "little adult assumption." In other words, parents think that children are merely small adults and should be able to respond in an adult manner.

Phelan says it can be extremely dangerous for parents to make assumptions about their child's attention span and to assume there's a problem with it based on his or her behavior at home. It isn't until the child is in a group situation, such as preschool, where there is some sense of relativity, that any judgments can be made. In other words, how does your child act in relation to other children?

Even that can be misleading in some circumstances. Almost as soon as Patricia Weathers' son, Michael, started kindergarten, she started getting notes from the school about his lack of attention and the possibility that he had an attention disorder.

"Eventually, we discovered Michael wasn't even disrupting his kindergarten class," says Weathers, of Poughkeepsie, N.Y. "He just wasn't finishing his tasks."

According to Phelan, this definitely is not ADHD. "Although ADHD can be diagnosed at age 3 or 4, the criteria at that point is not attention span but violent or destructive behavior," he says.

Want to see more?

• Understanding Attention Deficit Disorder
• To Send or Not to Send – That's the Question: Is Your Child Ready for Preschool?
• Meltdown Moments: Dealing with Preschool Temper Tantrums
• Talk about it!