Best Friends

Encouraging Positive Connections Between Siblings

By Zeynep Biringen, Ph.D.

From the start, treat each of your children in a special way. With new additions to the family, continue to make your other children feel special and give them extra time and attention.

Not having a favorite (stated or unstated) among your children is an important beginning. Differential treatment of siblings or preferences can lead to negative consequences in terms of the self-esteem of your children. Often, favoritism can be unconscious, and so it takes a lot of soul-searching and open-mindedness to be aware of and then to work through the favoritism. Enjoying each of your children in different ways is not favoritism, but treating them in terms of a hierarchy in emotional closeness is!

Look to your own relational skills, or that of your spouse or your ex, to understand where your child might have learned bullying or being a victim. Adults are less likely to tolerate behavior in children that they tolerate in themselves or in their adult-adult relationships. It is as if adults have a license for such behavior that children have not yet earned. Remember that bullying is not always about getting into a fight. Bullying can also be more subtle – put-downs, the cold shoulder, silent treatment and constant criticism. Examine your child's network of relationships, including those with siblings, to understand and remedy the source of such problems.

Teach your children problem-solving skills (preferably win-win problem-solving skills so both are winners). They can then work out a lot of their own problems by using tools of reasoning, knowing that there are alternatives and, most important, that a dialogue can go a long way. Just as you talk to your children, encourage them to talk to one another.

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