Let It Go

Forgiveness Is Key to Good Health

By Laurie L. Dove

Delmetria Millener of Dallas, Texas, endured years of an emotionally and physically abusive marriage before it ended in divorce. "He called me ugly and fat when I was a size 7," Millener says. "I cooked and cleaned incessantly, but he accused me of not being as good as his girlfriend. Then, after three kids, he said that if I ever left, no man would want a woman with three kids."

When she did find the courage to go out on her own, Millener's former husband, she says, didn't pay child support or visit the children. But rather than harbor anger and yes, she was angry Millener went about the difficult work of healing herself. And to do that, Millener knew she needed to find forgiveness.

"I had to accept that I'd gone through this and that I'd learned strength and perseverance because of it," she says. "I was not going to let resentment for him steal joy away from me."

When Millener ran into her ex-husband several years later, she was a different person. "At first, I was ecstatic because I knew how unhappy he was," she says. "Joy then turned to pity and I felt sorry for him. Now, I feel nothing. It's almost as if I never knew him. I am at peace with myself, knowing that I will not hold hatred in my heart."

Holding a grudge can have deleterious effects, both mentally and physically. It's stressful to internalize anger and the desire for revenge, especially in situations complicated by a loss of control. Legal issues can take years to resolve, and the betrayal of a friend can take a lifetime to mend.

The chronic stress of harboring ill feelings begins an age-old physical response that releases the steroid, cortizol, into the body, says Dr. Peter Degnan, a board certified physician in Portsmouth, N.H., who specializes in stress reduction. While this stress-related hormone can give the body the life-preserving boost it needs in emergency situations, we're no longer running from dinosaurs.

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