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After Divorce
Minimizing Toddler Trauma By Kendeyl Johansen
It may take a while for reality to hit toddlers after a divorce, but eventually they realize that Dad and Mom don't live together anymore. Yet many small children can't express themselves well verbally. It's often difficult to tell what they're thinking.
Dr. William Sammons, co-author of Don't Divorce Your Children: Protecting Their Rights and Your Happiness (McGraw-Hill, 1999), offers several strategies that divorced parents can use to help toddlers cope and lessen children's undesirable behavior.
- Maintain limits: Toddlers feel out of control after a divorce. Parents may think that relaxing the rules will help stressed children, but these new freedoms actually frighten toddlers, who no longer understand their boundaries. Toddlers may act out as they struggle to discover new limits.
- Preserve routines: When possible, maintain routines, keep kids in the same school, let children keep their same friends and continue with familiar activities.
- Remain civil: Interparental hostility hurts children. Rein in anger when kids are present.
- Listen: Openly discuss what toddlers think and feel. Insights may be gained that may lead to changes adults hadn't considered, like an alteration in the visitation schedule.
Transient behavior, like increased aggression or sleep problems that persist, may warrant further attention.
Pennsylvanian Michelle Turner found herself divorced and raising 3-year-old Kristy. Her daughter feared letting Turner out of her sight. "Find out where your child's fears are and let their questions and actions determine what you say and do," Turner advises. To reassure Kristy, Turner empathized with her hurt, and repeatedly assured her daughter that she wasn't going anywhere. She'd let Kristy rant for a while, then turn her attention to something else and things improved one day at a time.
