No Fair!

Dealing with Toddler Jealousy

By Alex Powell

When Cindy Vance gave birth to her second child last September, she felt confident that her oldest would be fine with his new baby brother. Holton, then 3 years old, was a secure and well-adjusted child, and Vance, who directs a Montessori preschool in West Monroe, La., had spent plenty of time preparing him for the baby's arrival.

About a week after baby Aubrey came home from the hospital, her perceptions changed. Holton developed a raging case of sibling rivalry. "He was very verbal about it," says Vance. "He would tell us, many times, 'Let's just send him back to God. Let's give him back.' It was pitiful."

Jealousy worries parents. When a toddler is having trouble adjusting to a younger sibling, it's common to wonder if you've done something wrong. But that's not the case, says Dr. Sybil Hart, professor of human development and family studies, associate dean of research of the College of Human Sciences at Texas Tech University and author of Preventing Sibling Rivalry: Six Strategies to Build a Jealousy-Free Home (Free Press, 2001).

"Parents shouldn't feel guilty if their child feels jealous or if they see it in their child," says Dr. Hart. "Jealousy is a normal trait, not a character flaw, and we just have to figure out a way to handle it so it doesn't cause any harm."

While it's commonly believed that secure children won't be as jealous of their siblings, the reverse may be true. Children who have been well nurtured have very high expectations of their parents. "[Jealousy in] a very young child really just means that they are attached and they are telling you how they feel [about having to share you with another child]," says Dr. Hart.

It's also reassuring to understand that bringing a younger sibling into the picture doesn't "cause" jealousy. The ability to feel jealousy is a gradual developmental process. Babies are loved and nurtured, and they develop certain expectations about the care they are going to receive. When a sibling enters the picture, jealousy is often unmasked for the first time, but the potential to become jealous has been there for a while.

Does sibling rivalry mean you haven't properly prepared your child for a younger brother or sister? No, says Dr. Hart. In fact, it may be almost impossible to truly prepare a young child for the birth of a new sibling.

Toddlers have a very simple understanding of words, says Dr. Hart, and words for emotions are very abstract to them. "Certain emotions, like happy and sad, can be linked with a facial expression," she says. "But a complex feeling like jealousy is very, very difficult for a child to actually understand. So while the 2- and 3-year-old is capable of feeling jealousy, he probably isn't capable of articulating what it feels like or able to understand when parents discuss it."

And at its core, jealousy "is about changes in one's status in a relationship," says Dr. Hart. While it is important to try to keep the disruption in the toddler's life to a minimum and make changes well in advance, no amount of planning will change the fact that your toddler is no longer the only baby in the house.

Want to see more?

• Lifelong Friends? Soothing Sibling Rivalry
• The Bond of Siblings
• Talk about it!