Taking Responsibility

You Can Help Your Preteen

By Gina Roberts-Grey, LCSW

A close friend and mother of four children recently expressed concern for her oldest son's lack of responsibility. She also chatted about how frequently her 10-year-old daughter loses her gloves or never remembers to turn off her television before leaving the house. She reflected on how her 14-year-old twin sons walk out the door right past their backpacks three mornings out of five.

As the conversation progressed past musing about how forgetful the very same children who can recite every line from their favorite cartoon seem to be when they need to be responsible about bringing home their study guides, the question of their level of responsibility for themselves, their possessions and actions came under fire.

Her wondering what she failed to teach her children and how to now try to instill personal responsibility to a child wavering on the brink of adulthood spawned a series of questions and concerns common to numerous parents. Compounding her concern was the fear that her children would mature without ever developing the sense of personal responsibility that is so necessary as an adult.

"My son would lose his head if it wasn't attached! My daughter persistently forgets to bring her homework home! I can't find my sneakers!" are phrases heard daily in our households. Adding to the frustration of constantly having to find their child's lost possessions, parents worry about their child's ability to demonstrate responsibility for their personal items and behavior.

Because responsibility is typically not an inherent trait, many children struggle to understand the far-reaching effects of being responsible – or irresponsible. Helping a child develop his or her personal responsibility is a lesson that requires time and patience. It also requires parents who understand how their children process responsibility's role in their life.

"Once a week, I take everything that's left lying out and toss it into a giant garbage bag," says Kim Woodbury of Springfield, Ill. "Whether it's a math book, borrowed video game or piece of hockey equipment, if it's not put where it's supposed to be, it's gone!" While this option certainly tackles the problem of parents tripping over items or having to partake in the search for the missing baseball mitt, some would argue it doesn't always instill a strong sense of responsibility.

Although collecting the items and temporarily stashing them away can provide some relief, ironically this option can backfire. Some children may eventually learn to be more responsible with their toys or possessions. However, in most cases a child who is irresponsible with his possessions begins to apply the principle that sooner or later his things will be scooped up by a parent. This child doesn't actually learn to be responsible, because this process may teach him that someone else will ultimately take responsibility for his items and possessions that are misplaced or treated carelessly.

While parents such as Woodbury do eliminate clutter, their kids may still need some help learning how to be responsible enough to prevent the clutter in the future. Adding some additional supportive measures that complement this approach can offer families further tools in the search to teach responsibility.

Want to see more?

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• Talk about it!