quick clicks

iparenting canada articles

iparenting canada q&a

message boards

research baby names

prepare a birth plan

content channels

ip channel rss feeds

read birth stories

read parenting stories

recommended books

e-newsletters

safety recalls

ip diaries

ip store

mom of the month

dad of the month

editor's letter

letters to the editor

Sink or Swim?

Wading Through the Sea of Unsolicited Advice

By Teri Brown

at advice is often welcome, there are times when too much advice becomes overwhelming and is no longer helpful. It can almost have the opposite effect of what was intended. "Advice crosses the line from helpfulness to intrusiveness when the giver is not sensitive to how it is received, regardless of good intentions," he says.

For many reasons Dr. Talkoff believes that men are especially sensitive to unwanted advice. He believes that in our culture, in spite of decades of change, men can still feel pressure to protect and provide for their families. Many of the men having children now were raised by fathers who felt the best way to show love for their families was to work long hours and stay out of Mom's way as she raised the children. While many new fathers are certain they don't want to be like their own fathers, they rarely have any idea on how to change things. Men often feel as if they are supposed to know everything, which often makes accepting advice or help difficult.

"In order to learn and benefit from new experiences, we have to be willing to acknowledge what we don't know, and living with this can be hard for men sometimes," says Dr. Talkoff. "The old joke about men never asking for direction has a grain of truth to it. Some men feel inadequate or competitive, and when someone more experienced or knowledgeable offers advice, these new dads can get defensive."

Dr. Talkoff says to just relax. "My best advice to these dads is relax. You'll make mistakes, everybody does, but wanting the best for your child means listening to your own voice and making room for others," he says. "Uncertainty is part of the job."

Want to see more?

• How I Knew I Was a Dad: 15 Surefire Ways
• Going the Full Nine: How to be a Model Husband From the First Day of Pregnancy to the Last
• Postpartum Dad Series
• Talk about it!