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Fuzzy Blue Hippo

A Hopeful Dad's Wait

By Mark Stackpole

Dear Baby,

I bought you something the other day. It wasn't a big thing, but when I saw it, I immediately thought of you. It's a stuffed animal that plays music. I'm not sure if there is a special term for that particular kind of toy. I have so much to learn before you get here. It's a fuzzy blue hippo. The same color blue as your mom's eyes. The same color blue that I hope yours are. Maybe that's why it caught my attention. What am I going to do if there are two sets of those giant blue eyes looking up at me every day? So much to learn.

When you pull its feet, it stretches out, and then music plays as the poor fella returns to his original posture. Vaguely disturbing, especially since his spine stretches with a crackle reminiscent of a music box winding. It looks like it hurts. Funny how sometimes you have to remind yourself that it is just a stuffed animal. Just because he plays "Lullaby, Baby" in return for having his back repeatedly stretched beyond its limits doesn't imbue him with magical powers or special feelings. I mean, it's not like he's the Velveteen Rabbit or anything. Well, not yet, anyway.

I bought you something the other day because I thought you were coming over. I felt you. You were in my heart, and it felt so real that I was sure you had also arrived in the womb. Maybe it sounds stupid, but I am not sure that I have ever felt anything like I did for those few days when I thought you were here. Don't get me wrong - I have helped your mom chart her temperatures, read extensively on such topics as cervical mucus and implantation spotting, and can field strip an ovulation predictor kit in a matter of seconds. Like a lot of men, you were a research study. A science project. A chemistry experiment. Since men are, by biological definition, a bit outside of the whole baby-making process, it is a bit easier to take a more academic approach. Clinical. Academic.

Want to see more?

• Fanning the Flames: Keeping the Love Alive While You're Trying to Conceive
• Male Factor: Infertility From His Perspective
• The Infertility Marketplace: Terms You Need To Know
• Hopeful Dads Discussion Board