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Going the Full Nine
How to be a Model Dad-to-be
By I.J. Schecter
Your role:
As at any point in the process, make a concerted effort to put yourself in her shoes. Regarding the three points of confusion, a) she doesn't want to sour the experience for someone else, so she's going to talk about the experience only in positives; b) you're feeling those kicks and movements on the surface – she's feeling them inside, all the time, day and night; and c) right now she isn't thinking about what happens after delivery – her growing discomfort doesn't allow for foresight. Get used to this, because soon you're going to be talking her through labor, which is all about trying to get from one moment to the next.
Seventh-Inning StretchShe's feeling severely unattractive and now considers all manufacturers of maternity clothes Satan's disciples.
Your role:
Take her away somewhere – anywhere – for a short period. The destination doesn't have to be Fiji – the purpose of this trip is to relax her. Shower her with romantic stuff, because it's now that she's feeling most unattractive. Let her know you find her as beautiful as ever, if not more. Do not make stereotypical jokes to your friends about "not getting any" – the fact that these are easy jokes tells you they aren't funny.
You're nearing the end of the game. Things might be getting tense in the clubhouse for a number of reasons: she barely recognizes herself, her ankles are swollen, her face is puffy, her breasts feel gigantic, her back is sore, circulation to her fingers and toes takes a frequent detour, the baby is pummeling her like a boxer in training, she can't find a comfortable sleeping position and last time you tied to make love, you gave up because you kept accidentally bopping against her stomach, making her feel even more huge.
