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Just Like Me

The Challenges of Being a Preteen Twin

By Carma Haley Shoemaker

According to the National Twins Foundation, there are 73 million sets of twins in the world. But being a member of this exclusive group is not as fun as it may seem. When you add in the adolescent years, being a twin can offer some very unique obstacles.

Twins are often seen as a package deal two of a kind, one person in two parts. But the truth of it is, this line of thinking can make life as a twin quite confusing. "Past or present, it's hard for twins when they are treated as one person," says Susan Kohl, author of Twin Stories: Their Mysterious and Unique Bond. "Nicknamed 'the twins,' many pairs admit that they have had a somewhat confusing childhood. Often the confusion over identity can cause a variety of emotions disgust, anger and frustration that are harmful to the twins' relationship with each other."

According to Gail M. Gross of Houston, Texas, host of the Let's Talk radio show, the addition of being a twin and the confusion and emotion that goes with it can amplify the already tough times of preadolescence. "Preteens are just learning to develop their own identity whatever that will be," says Gross. "But if you are seen as part of a pair, it is even harder for you to develop your individuality.

"It is very common for these preteen twins to stay in the realm of twinness as a safety net or out of fear," says Gross. "Thus, comes the need for parents to encourage their twins to be different to dress differently, to do different activities, to have different friends." Gross also says that encouraging preteen twins to differentiate themselves helps develop individuality, while also decreasing the resentment, anger and frustration that they often experience at being a twin.

Talk about twins, and someone is likely to say, "I wish I had a twin; it would be fun." But ask the twins themselves, and you'll get a different story.

"There are few twins who will claim that their lives are picture perfect," says Kohl. "The ups and downs vary depending upon the twins themselves. There are the twins that live together, celebrating their twinness every minute of every day. There are twins who are apart but live in close proximity. And there are a few that have put time and distance between them to escape their twinness."

Want to see more?

• Built-in Playmates: Encouraging Positive, Cooperative Play
• Twin Language: Talking the Same
• Granting Preteens Their Freedom
• Sibling Rivalry: What to Do When the Kids Are Fighting
• Talk about it!