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Confessions of the Childless Guy

Learning to be a Friend to New Parents

By Scott Engmann

Meanwhile, my wife and I find ourselves drawn closer together, and to some of our single friends who have more time and energy for doing dinner and grabbing coffee on random occasions. It is just easier, and frankly more gratifying to be with friends who can carry on a conversation and who are interested in us.

The challenge is much deeper, because we know that we are being called into a more empathic friendship beyond ourselves, where we find new "common ground" with our old friends -- even though they seem so different now. This is hard, because it means letting go of what was and taking hold of something very new and different, something far less predictable.

One friend, Heath Green, who is completing his Ph.D. in clinical psychology, and who just became a proud father, stopped by our place on the way home from work the other day. He confessed his tough day, and his lack of energy for heading home to relieve his wife who takes the afternoon shift with their daughter. As he began to "unload" all of his frustrations, some resulting from the complications of his new role, my wife and I listened. Both of us were struck with how many of life's balls he had in the air, and how relatively successful he was despite the seemingly nonstop multi-tasking he was doing. In the midst of this conversation, as I was attempting to hear him, I began to hear myself more clearly. My heart for my friend began to speak, and I could hear some of the ways I could be a true friend, and much of it related to my willingness to go and do for him what he needed, rather than concentrating solely on what I wanted.