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My Postpartum Depression Story

One Mom, in Her Own Words

By Kathy Woltman

Sydney Louise arrived perfectly healthy after a normal vaginal delivery weighing 9 pounds and 20.25 inches in length. It was November 11, 1998. She was a relatively easy baby: no colic, not fussy, no problems. I was not well-educated about PPD and the signs and symptoms or I would have noticed that something was not quite right much earlier than I did. For example, I began to feel rather frantic when my husband wasn't home and it was getting dark. I began to obsess about getting back in shape and the baby sleeping through the night (and she wasn't even a month old!). I didn't feel a strong bond with the baby, and kept telling myself that all these things would improve over time.

On December 18, 1998, I went to bed and woke up about 2 a.m. The baby was not awake. (As it was, she slept through that whole night.) At first, I told myself it was because I was used to getting up with the baby and that was why I woke up. Habit. However, I felt oddly "wired" ... like I had had too much coffee. I tried taking an Excedrin PM to fall back to sleep. It didn't work. I drank a beer. That didn't help. I took another Excedrin PM. I was up all night and for the next three days. I could not sleep at all.

Things went from bad to worse within 24 hours. I knew that something was seriously wrong with me. I felt very anxious, frightened of everythig, had near panic attacks, an aversion to the baby and severe OCD in the form of intrusive thinking. I felt as though I was going insane or going to collapse. It was a weekend so I didn't call my doctor. My husband suggested I go to the Internet and try and find out what might be happening to me.