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Lunch Table Wars
Helping Your Preteen Survive This Rite of Passage
By Sue Marquette Poremba
The problems usually arise between members of the lunch table group, normally between girls rather than boys.
"Girls tend to have a much more complex, developed, rigid social hierarchy," says Rambo. "Boys' associations are looser, more flexible and less governed by status. The one exception to that is a boy who is perceived as effeminate or less than manly. Boys can be cruel and scapegoat one of their own, certainly. But in general, boys spend less time and energy on these social hierarchies."
Mary Burns* of Chateauguay, Quebec, agrees. As the mother of two boys and a girl, she's found that her sons are much more laid back about their social lives, while her daughter has had roller coaster moments with friendships.
These roller coaster moments are what cause parents to wonder why girls are so cruel. However, the reaction of a girl spurned by her peers is as important as the act itself. Adolescent girls are known to overreact and blow simple things (such as saving a seat) out of proportion. On the other hand, girls will use the lunch table – that unstructured time – as a way to assert their power (such as not allowing a regular at the table to sit with the group).
"There is a growing body of research on what researchers call relational aggression," says Dr. Kerrie Laguna, assistant professor of psychology at Lebanon Valley College. "While physical aggression peaks in the preschool period and declines for most children as their verbal skills develop, relational aggression increases toward adolescence. It involves harming the relationships of others – gossip, rumors, exclusion – and many studies have found it to be more prevalent among girls. Bullying behaviors, as well, peak in the middle-school period."