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Maximum Independence

Helping Your Teen Take Control of His Life

By Sue Marquette Poremba

Do you, as parent, schedule all the appointments? Do you order the pizza for the gaggle of teens sprawled out in your family room? Hand them the phone, and have them make the calls. Kids are nervous the first few times, but that's OK. That's normal. Tell your teen that she has a better idea of her schedule than you do, so it is easier for her to make her own appointments. Remind yourself that while you might find it easier to pick up the phone and make the call yourself (you may have to nag a bit the first few times you tell the kids to make their own calls), it's one less thing you have to do. "Kids must learn how to ask questions and educate themselves on the processes involved with getting the answers they need," says Deana Case from California.

When it comes time for post-high-school planning, look but don't touch. This is the time for parents to let their teen take the lead. Too often parents make the phone calls to schedule campus visits, and when on campus, the parents charge to the front while the student stands in back, waiting to follow orders. While it may not always be easy for the student to make phone calls on his behalf, once at the college, the student should be the one asking questions and taking the lead. A skilled admissions counselor or campus tour guide will make this easy for a prospective student. "Parents can help their child initially but should not do the college search work for their child," Dunn says. "The student needs to find the answer to any question himself."

At the University of Miami, the College of Engineering Advising tells the story of a mother who made an advising appointment for her daughter, then came with her daughter, had already prepared her daughter's fall schedule and sent the daughter off to class while she, the mother, fulfilled the appointment.

This parent has gone against the advise of Case, a veteran parent of teenagers. "Success as a parent is when you make yourself obsolete," she says.