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Learning Limits
Toddlers, Development and Discipline
By Kelly Burgess
When a child throws a tantrum, the first step is to ignore the tantrum behavior. This sends a message to the child that this is not the way to get satisfaction from the parent. Since it's the parent's opinion the toddler cares about, he will eventually get the message that this is not the way to get what he wants. Then, as soon as the child begins to calm down, the parent can give the child some verbal and body attention, perhaps saying something like, "I'm glad you decided to be calm so we could talk," or helping the child to wipe her eyes. This sends a message to the child that she gets attention from the most important person in her world when she's calm.
It's hard for parents to do this, Nixon acknowledges, because as adults we are conscious of the criticism of our peers. However, it's important for parents not to allow peer pressure to modify effectiveness when responding to their child, because kids pick up on this so quickly. If the child's negative behavior is reinforced by increased attention, it may become a difficult habit to break.
Nixon believes parents need to understand the "no reaction" method may not work the first time a parent does it – or even the second or third time. But by staying calm and consistent, the child will begin to learn what is acceptable and what is not.
"Toddlers need things repeated before they can internalize the lessons – just as when we walk them upstairs we tell them over and over to hold the railing and take one step at a time," says Nixon. "It's reinforced behavior. With tantrums, it's a tense and emotional moment and you feel like you need to do something, but the best thing is just to ignore it. The worst thing a parent can do is stand over a screaming kid and ask them, 'Why are you acting like this? You're embarrassing me.'" This merely gives that child attention and that's all the child wants – even if it's negative."