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What Love's Got to Do With It: How Toddlers Express Affection

By Tamar Krantman Weiss

the room to a parent signals a deep affection from a more shy or less expressive child," says Honig.

Some toddlers are, by nature, explorers. In the midst of their discoveries, they do not want to be distracted with such frivolity as hugs and kisses from mom. When virtually exhausted though, they may climb on to a parent's lap for a quick snuggle to "refuel," as Dr. Honig calls it, for the activities that lie ahead. This, too, is a toddler's way of sharing and expressing love and should make a parent feel really appreciated. Says Dr. Honig: " You (the parent or caregiver) are your child's special refueling station. No one else has the special kind of energy-revivers that your lap or your hug or your caress provides."

The way our toddlers display their love for us may seem minimal in comparison to what we as parents may exhibit, but this is to be expected and we should not be put off by such behavior. As Dr. Honig explains, healthy toddlers are learning to de-center. They are intrinsically egocentric, and they are only just beginning to understand that the universe does not revolve around them. As such, we can not expect toddlers to demonstrate the kind of selfless love that parents or special caregivers do.

This is not to say that there are not exceptions to this rule: Sara, a lawyer and mother of two, recalls an incident when her son Ari, then a toddler, noticed that his father had a cut on his hand. Ari immediately became concerned and said "Daddy, I feel the tears coming because you have a boo-boo." In Dr. Honig's experience, a toddler can feel his parent's pain and respond to it in a loving way -- she has even seen a toddler offer a parent a precious blanket upon noticing his parent's pain. This behavior is not unusual, Honig says, especially if the child has consistently experienced tenderness when he or she was hurt or hungry or tired. Such behavior on the part of the parent will help a baby grow into a particularly caring and sympathetic person.

For the most part, toddlers are struggling with their innate self-involved personalities in a world that encourages them to grow up rather quickly, to be thoughtful of others. "Parents want toddlers to learn to share, to take turns, and to care about others. And indeed," Honig notes, "after long experience with your special caring and empathy for your little one, that learning will occur -- only not overnight!"

There is a difference, though, between a healthy self-centered toddler and an indifferent one. Dr. Honig points out that an insecure baby, one who has not necessarily been cared for in a stable and consistently responsive, loving environment, will likely either be excessively clingy or fussy with her parents or uncharacteristically mature for a toddler and apathetic to the comings and goings of a parent or caregiver. The secure baby may be involved in herself while exploring and at play, but she will presumably be a little sad to see a caregiver go and excited and glad to see them return after a short period of absence.

While it is crucial for toddlers to feel loved and accepted, it is important for parents to individualize their approach to each little one. Honig expounds that parents may sometimes be overeager when it comes to embracing or kissing their children. "Some parents," she explains, "are a bit overcompulsive ... asking for a kiss or a hug too much for some toddlers' comfort." Not all toddlers will respond well to this type of behavior when it is overdone, and it may be overwhelming for certain personality types. Of course, there are also little personalities that need more physical and verbal affection than others. In expressing affection, as with so many other spheres of parenthood, it is important to customize the technique to the recipient. But if you tune in to your child's personality and particular expressions and indications of needing you, Dr. Honig says, "then your long months of tuning in will build that deep affection so you treasure it, whether it is smoochy or not!"

We all have different needs and express ourselves in distinctive ways -- we can expect our toddlers to have those same differences. If roses and chocolates don't speak to you of love but a quiet evening in front of the fire does, there is no reason why your individual preferences should be overlooked. Neither should your toddler's. They may be small, but toddlers are people all the same, and we must figure out how to make them feel loved in a way that is comfortable for them. Surely if they feel secure and loved and at ease, they will respond in their own unique and lovable ways.